when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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