i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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