Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
