Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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