I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
birth control should be required to get into college
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
did i walk over a car last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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