I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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