i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
