All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to make out with him forever
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