there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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