i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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