five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize