Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
