i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
