we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
