ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize