We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
