There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
