He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
