remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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