OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
