JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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