the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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