She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize