As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
