Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
