1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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