Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
