This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
