woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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