I am full of burrito and curiosity
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize