Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
