Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
