I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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