I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
