She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
