Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
