It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
