I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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