Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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