That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
