i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
