Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
