my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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