but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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