Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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