You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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