so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
