I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
