Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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