So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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