you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
