1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
