i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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