I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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